Love Actually….

is not compatible with a D/s relationship.

At this point I sense hackles will be rising throughout Kinkland, in all the loving D/s couples, in the heaving bosoms of all the single submissive females and perhaps even in the quiet hidden part of some Dom/mes souls, but I’m right. Of course I am, me Dom, Master of the Universe etc, or maybe not, but I do think I am right. Why? OK I’ll tell you since you asked.

Because as soon as you become emotionally linked to your submissive it clouds your Dominants thought process. Being Dom/me is about assuming a position of control within the relationship, you enjoy being the decision maker, your submissive wants you to be so and to make decisions based on your desires. They of course presume that you desire them no harm, maybe even are intent on their wellbeing but inherent in a D/s relationship, by definition, are the wishes of the Dominant.

But when you love somebody their needs and happiness start to become yours. Now you may be screaming, that’s not what love is like but for my contention is that consciously or unconsciously it is. The Ancient Greeks, general fairly wise folks, classified love in to four forms

  1. Agape is unconditional love. It is love by “choice” even if you are not pleased
  2. Philia is charity or brotherly love, guided by our likes or our healthy or unhealthy needs and desires.
  3. Storge is the word for family love and the physical show of “affection”, the need for physical touch.
  4. Eros is the physical “sexual” desire, intercourse.

Now by definition a dominant should not experience Agape but for some and this aligns with the view of the wider world it may well be Philia, whether the needs and desires of the Dominant are healthy or not becomes the point of contention. Many Dominants may experience elements of Storge, feel affection for their submissive, admiring their loyalty, focus and endeavour, but for that feels generic, the feelings engendered by any diligent submissive at the time of interaction. Then of course there is Eros, a strong driver in some Doms although in my experience not always. Ultimately I think that as a D/s relationship continues the balance of loves can and will shift.

It is the emergence of an Agapian quality that signals trouble on the road ahead. Of course choice is the primary prerogative of the Dominant so love “by choice” should be no problem but what if you choose to pleasure or protect your submissive rather than direct or correct them. They notice, oh boy do they notice and sooner or later they will perceive you as weak. They may love your kind nurturing nature but will also somewhere inside resent it because it lessens your Dominance. They want you to be the resolute, implacable place in their life, their rock. They want you to cling to in life’s storms but also to block them from leaving the path in life. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, it’s a damned hard life being a Dom/me.

This was written from experience and the perspective of a heterosexual male Dominant, I believe from experience it may well not be true in heterosexual Female led relationships and as for Gay D/s culture I am pretty clueless, but if anybody wished to offer me their perspectives I am always fascinated to know more.


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